Category Archives: North America

Hillary Clinton's Twin Legs Buckle Where Twin Towers Fell

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Candidate for the United States Presidency Hillary Rodham Clinton suffered a medical episode during a ceremony at the 9/11 Memorial in New York. Her legs buckled and she appeared to faint (archived). This incident is notable for receiving coverage in the mainstream US press which has thus far dismissed concerns about Hillary's health as crackpottery. She is sixty-eight years old and she will turn sixty-nine before the election. Her major election opponent Donald Trump-Clinton at seventy years of age is also geriatric. Of the candidates on the ballot in all 50 states, Gary Johnson is the only candidate who would finish a first term as president before his seventieth birthday. Peace in our time, Rest in theirs.

Update: Hillary was evacuated from the 9/11 memorial in Manhattan to her daughter Chelsea's apartment. Representatives of her campaign insist she merely "overheated" though in the United States heat related injuries are taken very seriously by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration and classified as reportable incidents subject to investigations, fines, and penalties. Clinton privilege strikes again.

Update 2: Now Hillary's doctor is alleging that she has been suffering pneumonia since Friday. Pneumonia is a leading cause of death in geriatrics.

Parasitic Flatworm Named To Honor Hussein Bahamas

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In a twist of irony surely not lost to Qntra readers, US president Hussein Bahamas now has the honor of a newly discovered parasitic flatworm named after him. The two-inch long parasite, dubbed "Baracktrema obamai" lives in turtles blood and was discovered by Thomas Platt, a retired biology professor at Saint Mary’s College in Indiana. Professor Platt assured the public that bestowing the name was not meant as an insult, but rather meant to honor the current president. However, Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a parasite as " something that resembles a biological parasite in dependence on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return" which accurately describes the legacy left by Bahamas during his eight-year tenure.

Politician Who Audited Elections Board Security Sentenced

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Insurgent Florida Politician David Levin, the man who responsibly performed an audit of the Lee County Supervisor of Elections website and disclosed the results, has been sentenced to 20 days of prison for preforming that public service. As is traditional in the United States of Amerikkka after his release his freedoms will remain restricted as he is held a further two years in a state of probation. Peace in our time.

Kim Jung Un Bans Sarcasm

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North Korean leader Kim Jung Un has banned sarcasm in the Democratic People's Republic of Best Korea out of fear that his people are only expressing their support for him ironically (archived). In related news last Friday the FBI dumped substantial information about Hillary Clinton's slovenly email habits. The highlight of the dump was the disclosure that Hillary told the FBI that she though that the letter "C" preceding select paragraphs indicated alphabetical order rather than the information's "CONFIDENTIAL" classification.

Meanwhile Donald Trump-Clinton continued advancing his position that Russian President Vladimir Putin is a better leader and a better man than United States lame duck Oval Office occupier Hussein Bahamas.

Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson, who is set to spoil the election for Hillary1, in rare mainstream media coverage is being assailed for allegedly not knowing what Aleppo is during an interview. Aleppo is one of many cities in Syria being decimated in their civil war, and neither Aleppo nor its residents matter.

Meta spoiler Green Party criminal Jill Stein who intents to spoil Gary Johnson's campaign to spoil Hillary's campaign2 now has open warrants for her arrest in North Carolina. Stein faces charges of criminal trespass and criminal mischief after undertaking a campaign to damage valuable excavating equipment as part of her meta-spoiler campaign.

Peace in our time. Sorry for your lulz.

  1. In the sense that the voter motivations in this election are split between those who support Donald Trump-Clinton, those who oppose Donald Trump-Clinton, and those who oppose opposing Donald Trump-Clinton the wrong way by voting Hillary and therefore supporting Gary Johnson.  ↩

  2. Largely through aggravating the dilemma of choice, a prime method of manipulating cattle and those afflicted with SUTO. ↩

The Presiglassial Ceiling

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Even a cursory review of the beta press readily uncovers overwhelming levels of white knight butthurt in the face of the slow, crushing realisation that an allegedly-black-certainly-male candidate is significantly more acceptable to the general public than an allegedly-female-certainly-white one.

Is there such a thing as white knight rage? Sorry for your balls? Sorry for your awls?

Black Man Shot In North Saint Louis County

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Darren Seals, a black man, was found shot to death in a car in North Saint Louis county. This is not an uncommon occurrence aside from the fact that Seals' cadaver was discovered in the car after first responders arrived because it was on fire. Young black men being found shot motor vehicles is typical for the area, but the motor vehicles carrying the deceased to beyond are rarely on fire. Usually the only vehicles found locally on fire are police cars.

Seals was a face of the 2014 civil unrest in Ferguson Missouri Black Lives Matter movement and is reported to recently have held an event on "Facebook Live" where alleged local agents of oppression drew firearms on him for the crime of walking near a suicide investigation. Peace in our time.

Hussein Bahamas Cancels Duterte Meeting At ASEAN Over Hurt Feelings

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Hussein BahamasA planned meeting at ASEAN between United States Oval Office bench warmer Hussein Bahamas and Phillipine President Rodrigo Duterte has been cancelled over Duterte's refusal to be lectured by Bahamas over so called "human rights" with Duterte rejecting Hussein Bahamas as "a son of a whore." The mainstream press in the United States is spinning this clearly mutual decision not to meet as Hussein Bahamas cancelling the meeting. This is the second major show of weakness on the international stage by Hussein Bahamas this week.

Peace in our time.

 

Bahamas G20 Landing Brouhaha

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United States Oval Office seat warmer Hussein Bahamas after arriving in Hangzhou, China for the G20 conference disembarked from his plane using the belly staircase rather than a roll up staircase. De-planing Air Force One by the more common roll up staircase indicates confidence in the security of the de-planing situation and indicates a positive relationship between parties to the landing and de-planing.

By contrast a belly staircase de-planing indicates tension between parties and a lack of confidence defined by feelings of insecurity. The official verified Twitter account of the United States Defense Intelligence Agency made light of the tension by tweeting "Classy as always China" and linking a New York Times piece about the tense situation featuring a full frontal picture of Hussein Bahamas engaged in belly de-planing. The tweet making light of Hussein Bahamas' engagement in a supremely submissive act has already been deleted. Peace in our time.

California Plans Anti-Cattle Legislation

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California lawmakers are targeting cows in their latest front on "Global Warming". Democratic Senator Ricardo Lara, author of the legislation, blames bovine flatulence and manure for producing copious amounts of methane emissions and seeks to send current levels to 40 percent below their 2013 levels by the year 2030. Senate Republicans mostly opposed the measure, which passed near the end of the legislative session Wednesday in Sacramento, claiming it will harm local dairy businesses and cause increased milk prices.

Once Darling Theranos Takes A Beating On Zika Test

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The blood testing startup Theranos, once favored by the well connected in Washington, has hit a costly new roadblock. Elizabeth Holmes' (WOT:nonperson) startup went through the expensive process of developing a blood test for the Zika virus which they can't market because they botched up the paperwork documenting their testing again while further breaking patient safety rules. Theranos appears to be giving up on recouping the development costs for their test and they withdrawn their application to the FDA. It is still possible for Theranos to reapply after conducting further testing that complies with patient safety rules. Tim Draper (WOT:nonperson) was not solicited for comment and is assumed to still be bullish on Theranos. Sorry for your loss.