Category Archives: News

Hoaxtoshi Breaks Promise

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Today Hoaxtoshi, also known as Craig Steven Wright (WOT:nonperson), broke a promise he made earlier this week to publicly present present proof that he might be the historical Satoshi. Hoaxtoshi began the week by hoodwinking a number of high volume/low quality media outlets like the BBC and the Economist into believing he was Satoshi by taking an early transaction from the blockchain and presenting its parts ordered in such a way as to fake the act of signing with a key awarded an early coinbase transaction. The exact words he presented are:

I’m Sorry
I believed that I could do this. I believed that I could put the years of anonymity and hiding behind me. But, as the events of this week unfolded and I prepared to publish the proof of access to the earliest keys, I broke. I do not have the courage. I cannot.

When the rumors began, my qualifications and character were attacked. When those allegations were proven false, new allegations have already begun. I know now that I am not strong enough for this.

I know that this weakness will cause great damage to those that have supported me, and particularly to Jon Matonis and Gavin Andresen. I can only hope that their honour and credibility is not irreparably tainted by my actions. They were not deceived, but I know that the world will never believe that now. I can only say I’m sorry.

And goodbye.

Which exactly fits the scammer modus operandi of claiming their emotional fragility on par with the contemporary northeastern liberal arts student makes solving the problem they claim they are easily equipped to solve "too hard" on an emotional level.

Phuctor Factors United States DISA Key

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Almost lost in the joy of Phuctor returning is the news that among the keys factored is 5E544EE26273C00C079AD40991CF5894 associated with assist@assist.ims.disa.mil of the United States Department of Defense's Defense Information Systems Agency. This appears to be a key actually used by DISA in practice. Expect the astroturf machine to continue professing "cosmic rays" and engage in other late medieval apologetics in an attempt to sweep reality under the rug. Peace in our time.

Next US President To Be A Clinton

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With Cowboy Ted Cruz dropping out of the race for the GOP nomination tonight Donald Trump-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) is virtually assured the nomination of the United States' minor socialist party. This combined with the major socialist party's rigged contest favoring Hillary Rodham Clinton (WOT:nonperson, aliases include Clitler) means that the successor to Hussein Bahamas (WOT:nonperson) is assured to be a Clinton. It also means that that the next US president will go into office with an existing horrible resume as a sysadmin. Peace in our time.

USG Stockpile Of Petrocheese Hits New High

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As prices for dairy products continue to sink in the United States numerous sources are reporting the criminal gang in Washington DC claiming to govern has a stockpile of American (Petro)cheese and the hoard's size has hit a new all time high at 1.2 billion pounds. Each pound of Petrocheese contains 1685 kilocalories of "food" energy. If the stockpile were release to public markets all at once it would have the potential of adding approximately 577,714,286 further pounds of adipose tissue to the Obeast and TransMayo problem in the United States. Because of the peculiar ways Petrocheese varies from actual cheese including its tendency to merely dry out instead ageing, the entire Petrocheese stockpile is being kept in cold storage.

Hoaxtoshi Continues Swindling Media

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Craig Steven Wright (WOT: nonperson) has reportedly hosted an event with reporters from various fiat media outlets where he faked signing a string with an early coinbase transaction in order to be declared actual Satoshi. For this ruse Hoaxtoshi took an existing transaction signed by the key credited in the block 9 coinbase transaction and acted as though he was signing at the event even though the signature had been actually produced long ago by the key's actual owner. Because of the positions the low quality rubes Hoaxtoshi selected for his audience hold in the fiat media order there are declarations that Hoaxtoshi is the actual Satoshi appearing in various news syndication channels including the BBC and CBS radio. These rubes were very understanding of the fact that Hoaxtoshi apparently couldn't actually move any coins because "the trust actually owns them"(TM)(R).

No Such lAbs Phuctoring Harder Than Ever

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Since its recent return the Phuctor by No Such lAbs has been undergoing a rapid series of improvements. The new incarnation of Phuctor in addition to sporting vastly improved hardware and factoring a Northrop Grumman PGP root Certificate authority the RSA Supercollider has moved from Euclid's GCD function to Bernstein's allowing it to process the whole set of collected keys in seconds, a process it repeats several times per hour. After being fed the first million primes on top of the factors already discovered through GCD, Phuctor has as of this writing broken 222 moduli.

Qntra Correspondent Infiltrates Trump-Clinton Luncheon

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Social Engineering mortarArriving at the Hyatt Regency Airport Hotel via UberX at roughly 8:00 AM I was quickly cleared by hotel staff to cross the police line around the hotel and enter into the main lobby. The California Republican Convention was kicking off here today, and "TRUS-TED" (dash added) posters plastered all walls, along with an occasional Kasich poster. After waiting in three different lines, I obtained a lanyard and Donald Trump-Clinton luncheon ticket and immediately began waiting in another much longer line to be cleared by a Secret Service agent. Continue reading →

US Congress Considers Expanding Authority Of Bureaucratic Magistrates

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Neatly mirroring the decaying implementation of Justice in the Soviet Union fifty years prior, The United States Congress is considering changing the Federal Rules of Criminal Procedure in a way that greatly favors police and prosecutors. Chief among this changes is broadening the authority of sub-judicial magistrate "judges" (functionally they are police station gonzos, working mostly as police detectives) to issue warrants and have their warrants recognized outside of their immediate jurisdiction. Due to their para-judicial role indented to supplement actual judges magistrates have traditionally had their limited authority end at the border of their immediate district's borders. The proposed changes are presented in full below: Continue reading →

New Vatican Bank Scandal: Coinbase Style Account Closures

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Tommaso Di Ruzza, director of the Vatican's Financial Information Authority, announced the completion of a 3-year investigation into the Institute of Religious Works bank, resulting in the closure of nearly 5000 accounts. Pope Benedict XVI established the FIA in 2010 as a way to prevent church accounts being used for undesirable purposes. Account holders in the past have included reputed members of the mafia, although the Vatican has stated publicly it could not identify 1000's of account holders or their connection to the church and it's charitable missions. At the time of the writing of this article, no one has been indicted or prosecuted as the result of evidence uncovered during the investigations.