Former United States Speaker of the House and second in the line of succession for the Presidency Dennis Hastert admitted during a sentencing hearing today that as a wrestling coach he would molest grappling students that he found in the locker room alone. In the time since Hastert left coaching high school grappling he went on to have a second career in politics reaching one of the highest elected offices in the criminal gang based in Washington DC which professes to govern the United States. One grappler upon whom Hastert lewdly imposed his sexual will in the locker room is now reportedly a successful banking executive in his fifties while another died from AIDS during the 1990's. Hastert's 15 month sentence is more than twice the six month sentence recommended by federal prosecutors and far less than Ross Ulbricht's life sentence and 183,961,921 United States dollar fine for trying to do the tech startup thing. The former locker room predator arrived in a wheel chair having become elderly and suffering a stroke in the decades after moving on from the job which allowed him to hunt strapping young men.

It is unknown how many children recent house speakers Newt Gingrich, Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, or current speaker Paul Ryan may have molested.

Today the Unites States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit took time out of its day to uphold a 4 game suspension of Tom Brady for cheating in a playoff game according to the rules of the sportsball league. Rather than issue a ruling on any of the legal injustices occuring constantly in the United States, the justices instead chose to issue a ruling on the rules of sportsball consistent with the sportsball league's internal rules.