Category Archives: Altcoins

Not Quite News Roundup Xtend 9 (TM)(R)

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Welcome to the ninth edition of the Qntra Not Quite News Roundup Xtend (TM)(R). The below events are alleged to have happened, but they are decidedly innocent of newsworthiness.

  • Via Wikileaks and the hacking of a senior aide's email account, substantial excepts from Hillary Rodham-Clinton's private speeches to investment bankers and other senior lizards of the fiat order were leaked.  This release was counter by the mainstream press hammering on an eleven year old "entertainment news" video where Donald Trump-Clinton talked about grabbing women by the pussy and otherwise engaging in Bill Clinton-eque locker room chit chat. Guess which candidate is being pressured by one time supporters to quit the presidential race, the one whose entire public persona is a lie or the one who had a libido a decade ago.
  • The scary clown meme continues as the mainstream press continues inciting hatred and violence against the gentle minority popularly known as juggalos.
  • A second lawsuit emerged this week alleging that Marissa Mayer and other top executives at Yahoo sought to gradual eliminate and marginalize male workers at the firm. At the time of this writing there as been no word on whether a "truth and reconciliation" effort has begun to heal the wounds of Yahoo's gender war.
  • Hurricane Matthew wrecked Florida's shit. Earlier this year Hurricane Hermine was the first Hurricane to make landfall in the state since Hurricane Wilma back in 2005.
  • Germany's Bundesrat has declared war on the internal combustion engine pressuring the European Union to end the registration of gasoline and diesel powered vehicles for road use by 2030.
  • This week's most over hyped altcoin is mimblewimble which purports to be an improvement over Bitcoin by abandoning the reality commonly referred to as "history" entirely. The most discussed was Monero which suffered news following its inclusion in the fourth edition of the Qntra Not Quite News Roundup Xtend (TM)(R) for being overhyped. On the upside for mimblewimble, it is sufficiently removed from value, actual implementation, and deployment to substantially reduce the likelihood of news happening to it any time in the near future.
  • Following the latest hardfork noise heating up the other side of the Hegelian dialectic seeking to kill Bitcoin is drawing attention as Blockstream purports to be closer to deploying Jim Crow for transaction signatures and their "Lightning Network" which depends upon there being a Jim Crow system.
  • Dash, formerly known for its privacy centric marketing as Darkcoin, has been recently trumpeting a partnership for identity verification in conjunction with its fiat interfaces.
  • Cases of syphilis are increasing across the United States with the exception of the Washington, DC metropolitan area. This suggest that the capital region is further ahead of the rest of the United States in its embrace of the new neo Puritan anti-sex agenda.
  • 94031244202143566798174534423023440637356261691582919641171828044851605209359 was discovered to be a number of exceptionally disproportionate popularity.

Sorry for your loss.

NSA Has A Booz Problem, A Special Roundup Xtend (TM)(R)

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This past week an alleged major leaker of NSA secrets has been arrested with terabytes of the stuff in his home and car. Like Edward Snowden, this information hoarder worked for NSA under contract from Booz Allen Hamilton. Rather than exploring alleged events, this Roundup Xtend (TM)(R) will explore the nature of NSA's Booz problem.

  1. NSA failed to admit zher powerlessness over Booz and that zher life had become unmanageable:

    As a fiat organization NSA faces many deep structural problems which make zher powerless over Booz. One is that far less people meet the fiat standards of NSA employment than there is makework that NSA has to have done according to standards from fiat. These competing fiat declarations mean people have to be brought in from outside to do all the work. Second the "favor" economy traditional in the fiat system means these competing demands will be sustained in order to create work for Booz as this fatal insanity continues to afflict zher.

  2. NSA failed to believe a higher power could restore zher to sanity:

    If NSA were aware of the insanity which followed the effective surrender of zher will and life over to Booz Allen Hamilton, perhaps zhe could begin to have the smallest inkling of faith that a power greater than zherself and Booz just might be able to turn zher onto a path towards sanity.

  3. NSA has yet to turn zher will and life over to God as NSA understands it:

    Sitting at the top of the United States' "intelligence" community the NSA played the director in zher own life. As the play went on under NSA's direction zhe became more demanding while still being increasingly gracious in zher relationship with Booz. As NSA continued trying to exercise zher will in this manner zhe suffered ever more Snowden and now suffers Harold T. Martin. As zhe intensifies zher efforts zhe receives only more Booz and more problems.

    Through surrendering zher will and life NSA can find a new freedom and a new happiness.

Peace in our time.

Backpage CEO Criminally Arrested On Pimping Allegations

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State agents in Texas have arrested Carl Ferrer, CEO of backpage.com in a raid after allegations he might know other people could be using his website to engage in adult and child sex-trafficking. Mr Ferrer was arrested on a warrant out of the state of California at the airport in Houston, and warrants were also issued for the ad site’s controlling shareholders, Michael Lacey and James Larkin. The charges levied against Mr. Ferrer include felony charges of pimping a minor, pimping, and conspiracy to commit pimping, and he faces an extradition hearing before he can be returned to California to face the charges. Mr. Ferrer is facing these charges for running a website, not for actually running girls in the street. Sorry for your laws and your lues.

US Tax Department Busted By Indian Police

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Police in rural Thane, India have arrested over 500 people working in a call center, accusing them of scamming U.S. citizens in a fraud scheme. The callers allegedly would tell the victims they were with the "US Tax Department" and demanded financial and bank details, and threatened them with legal action if they refused to provide the details. The employees would then use the information to withdraw funds from the accounts, with officials estimating the scheme could make upwards of $160,000 USD a day. Police said the investigation was ongoing and further information was to be released soon, although no word was available as to whether any iTunes gift cards were recovered in the haul

Oasis Drained While Major Monero Webwallet Languishes Offline

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Altcoin Monero has suffered a blow in its push to become the dominant currency of darknet markets, with reddit users reporting that the owners of Oasis market have apparently pulled an exit scam, absconding with around 150 Bitcoin and a yet undetermined amount of Monero. Reports from reddit also indicate that users attempting to withdraw Monero from the Alpha Bay marketplace are meeting similar frustrations, though the site is still online. This news caps a very bad week for XMR, with the MyMonero web wallet service run by developer fluffypony (WoT:fluffypony) also being was offline for several days now, with users reporting silence from support channels and inability to withdraw funds, though private keys can still be recovered and imported into an actual wallet. These particular wallets have been target by hackers several times in the past few months, resulting in several millions of USD vanishing. At the time of the writing of this article, the sorry for your loss was at -17% and continued to plunge.

Kim Kardashian Bound, Gagged, and Robbed After Social Media Use

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Kim Kardashian was bound, gagged, and robbed during a home invasion of the Parisian hotel apartment she shares with Yeezus (archived). The heist has been described in the populist media as "well planned" an attribute likely assisted by Kardashian's prolific use of social media. Using social media Kardashian uploaded substantial photo and videographic information of the residence that was likely of tremendous value for the home invaders, 10 million1 United States dollars of informational value if the reports circulating in the popular press are to be believed. Sorry for your loss.

  1. My has the value of these things dropped.  ↩

After Recent Leak North Sea Lubricated To Spec Per BP's Assessment

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A BP oil platform located in the North Sea experienced Sorry For Your Loss on Sunday by leaking 95 tons of oil following a technical issue. The spill is being monitored by air and the company "believes that allowing the oil to disperse naturally at sea is the best way to deal with the spill, although other options have not been ruled out." The release was contained within approximately an hour of it occurring though officials said the platform, located about 46 miles off the coast of Shetland, is still offline. Scottish officials with the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds are said to be investigating what impact the accident would have on wildlife in and around the Atlantic. The spill is said to be around two times smaller than another similar spill that occurred on Shell’s Gannet platform in 2011.

Ethereum "Come At Me Bro" Patch Attacked As Invitation Is Taken

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Less than 24 hours after Ethereum developers boldly announced their come at me bro fix for the geth client, an attacker decided to come at them with yet another previously undiscovered attack vector. Pope Vitalik himself announced on reddit:

Basically, it's a quadratic attack where the culprit this time is a series of SUICIDE calls followed by a DELEGATECALL tower. SUICIDE creates dirty objects much more cheaply than any other opcode, and this creates a memory blowup. We have identified two possible fix strategies and are starting work on implementing them.

Ether huffers were quick to praise the efforts of their dear leader, while other users were quick to offer tips on setting up nodes on the parity platform. Parity is written in rust which has yet to be tested extensively, attackers having too many lulz watching the rats scramble scramble to plug holes on that sinking ship.

Ethereum Developers Reach Violent Part Of Huffing Binge With "Come at me bro"

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Ethereum developers announced an update to their flaming-tire-in-a-shitpit geth implementation today, which supposedly fixes the recent spate of DoS attacks that have affected the network. The hotfixes, dubbed "Come at me bro" by its authors, are just one of many pieces of ductape continually applied to the popular golang client which is the go-to choice for attackers wishing to demonstrate the overall brokenness of the platform. The release nodes on Github assured users that "Further optimizations will most probably follow as we comb the code for bottlenecks" which has historically been translated as developers scrambling to fix issues that no one could have predicted being exploited. (archived)