Monthly Archives: July 2017

Pokemon Go Creators Try To Spark New Interest In Spyware Fad With Event: Nostlgia Successfully Comes From Broken Gameplay

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Niantic, developers of the game clad spyware Pokemon Go, held an event to celebrate the anniversary of their fad by holding a live event coordinating lusers in Chiraq's Union Square with other players around the world. Niantic went out of their way to provide nostalgia with an entire slew of new bugs and broken gameplay tied to the event which harkened back to the two weeks last summer in which the game had monopolized the general public's attention.1

Attendees at the Union Square portion of the event failed to nostalgiate as Niantic anticipated and instead threw tanrums. These thousands of presumed homo sapiens with a common interest failed to bond, celebrate, or find love among fellows with a shared passion for catching them all. Ever gracious, Niantic ended up making the event's prizes available and pretended not to notice their audience's failure to appreciate all of Niantic's effort towards recreating an authentic experience of the fad at its peak. According to reports, players attempting to acquire the two chicken like monsters offered as prizes for the event's "success" are frequently encountering still more nostalgia inducing bugs that make the prizes unobtainable by all but the most warped masochists.

  1. The fad's most amazing accomplishment was the thoroughness of its fall into obscurity. Despite Hillary Rodham-Clinton trying to get pantsuit voters to "Pokemon Go to the polls", neither Hillary Rodham-Clinton nor the Democratic National Committee have attempted to scapegoat Pokemon Go for Trump's ascent to the Presidency. They have however tried blaming but this forgotten fad. ↩

Minneapolis Loses First Native American, Female, And Openly Gay Police Chiefs In Tripartite Resignation

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Minneapolis lost its first native American, female, and openly gay police chiefs in the tripartite  resignation of Janne Harteau. Harteau resigned from her diversity milestones following the shooting of blond Australian migrant Justine Damond by Somali born Minneapolis police officer Mohamed Noor. Noor was initiated into the Minneapolis police department through a "fast-track" training course (archived).

Swedish Railroad Consults Masses: Trainy McTrainface Results

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Swedish rail operator MTR Express has resigned itself to naming a new train running the Stockholm to Gothenburg line "Trainy McTrainface" after it opened to the naming process to the masses, and the only possible outcome resulted. A variety of suggested names commemorating persons, culture, and events were ignored in favor of a name at intersection of plain description and peak anthropomorphism. Surely Trainy McTrainface was a very happy train after being told the result.

Miners Signal Segwit Via BIP 91 "Lock In" Avoiding "User Activated" Fork

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Miners on the Bitcoin network signaled that they would begin enforcing a new set of block acceptance rules concerning the handling of "anyone can spend" transactions, commonly referred to as "Segregated Witness". For users of the actual Bitcoin system and actual Bitcoin software, this news comes with the usual "soft fork" related increase in the risk of chainsplits and orphaned blocks. For users engaging in fringe behavior on the Bitcoin network and seeking to abuse the new "rules" surrounding the "anyone can spend" edge case, there exists incredible potential1 for "your loss".

This move by Bitcoin miners circumvents an effort advanced by assorted social engineers to attempt enforcing this new "anyone can spend" ruleset through a loud tantrum. It remains to be seen how large a pile of coins the brave and the duped are willing to amass under "anyone can spend" conditions in order to tempt miners to abandon this new "soft forked" ruleset.

  1. From Qntra, December 28th, 2015

    The chief idiocy in the Blockstream camp is that if miners decide to stop enforcing the "soft" forks that Blockstream needs, the miners are somehow on "invalid" chains. Soft fork enforcement is nothing more than a courtesy extended by miners. Should miners trigger activation of segregated witness, and a super majority of miners later decide to stop enforcing its rule set, Blockstream is out of luck. Luke-Jr's protests about the "valid" blockchain would be as impotent as his protests about the valid Pope. So long as the longest chain that wins verifies on the actual reference Bitcoin client, life goes on.

    There are hazards to artificially trying to introduce new levels of trust to a system that doesn't require it. Softforks that explicitly create an incentive for their own revocation create an extraordinary moral hazard

     ↩

Trump Issues Ultimatum To GOP Senators: Start Selling!

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This week, following yet another failure by legacy legislative members of the GOP to end Obamacare, United States President Donald Trump summoned GOP members of the Senate1 to a luncheon where he issued them an ultimatum. They must begin selling! President Trump even singled out a Nevada Senator, Doubting Dean Heller, and challenged Heller on his presumed desire to remain a Senator (archived). Only eight of the thirty three US Senate seats being contested in the 2018 mid term election are currently held by the GOP. This places non-compliant, legacy, GOP Senators like Doubting Dean vulnerable to challengers during this coming spring's primary season as Trump's GOP moves towards greater purity and ability.

The luncheon's lesson is that in Trump's GOP, faith without works is now dead. Private professions of faith and muted announcements supporting the cause are no longer enough. GOP legislators must begin the work of selling the Trumpreich's agenda or they will be purged as the party resolves its schisms. Eight years of Hussein Bahamas, where the GOP existed as a hollow and lazy opposition party doing little other than serving to legitimize pantsuit's pretensions of purpose, allowed Trump to capture the party. Now that Trump has the GOP, he will have his way with the GOP.

  1. Minus the lich John McCain who has been revealed to have aggressive brain cancer. Presumably McCain has failed to maintain personal possession of his phylactery.  ↩

Coinbase To Go On Trading Vacation With "Your" Coins Over Altcoin Fork Hysteria

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Earlier today fiat/Bitcoin interface Coinbase emailed their users warning them that their accounts will be suspended for an indefinite period of time beginning four hours prior to reddit's scheduled temper tantrum.

To ensure the safety of customers’ funds, we will temporarily suspend bitcoin [sic] deposits, withdrawals, and buy/sell starting approximately 4 hours before activation of either fork.

Back at power ranger hindquarters a graph theory revelation has occurred.

Columbia University Settles In Case Of Mattress Harassment Against Student

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Columbia University has agreed to settle in a gender bias suit in which the University and its agents awarded course credit for a sustained campaign of gender based harassment against a male student (archived). Terms of the settlement have not been released. Columbia's lawyers had attempted to deny the University's role in the harassing student's conduct when the University awarded academic credit, materially encouraging the harassing conduct.

As Fake News Hammers Russian Fanfiction Number Of Believers Crashes

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According to a poll conducted by ABC and Jeff Bezos' Washington Post, the number of Americans buying into their bullshit is falling. Despite the constant hammering of the "Russian collusion" conspiracy theory in pant suit fake news output, less American voters believe it now than believed back in April according to pantsuit's own polls. (archived) Based on the ample evidence of which way pantsuit pollsters err, it can be assumed that believership in the fake news fanfic is nearly nil outside of its authors.

Cuts On Campus Follow Illinois Tax Hike

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Following the recent masssive tax hike in Illinois which ended up satisfying the interstate lottery treaty organization and brought Illinois back into jackpot seeking communion, other government spending in Illinois is seeing cuts. Illinois "universities", whose credit ratings have been on a long march to rock bottom in the absence of payments from Springfield, are now making even bigger cuts on campus not that payments from the state have resumed.

Southern Illinois University in Carbondale announced it would be cutting 26 million United States dollars and eliminating seven academic programs. (archived) The seven programs to be snuffed out are:

  • B.S., Mining Engineering
  • M.S., Mining Engineering
  • B.A., Business Economics
  • B.S., Physical Education Teacher Education
  • B.A., Africana Studies
  • M.A., Political Science
  • Ph.D., Historical Studies

As presented by the University this list's ordering begins with two degrees covering an entire productive industrial field deemed unpopular by students, the business department's degree programming which requires math1 and is therefore also unpopular, the applied science of hamplanet prevention and remediation in children, and then three token field of study beloved by pantsuit but unpopular with students are being slain as well.

Illinois residents are clearly receiving an excellent value in exchange for their increased tax burden.

  1. The study of pantsuit economics divorced from business is in no danger of elimination, just the useful applications.  ↩