Following a short standoff with a suspect who allegedly killed 5 Dallas police officers and wounded 7, Dallas police resolved the situation by sending a bomb squad robot to the suspects location and detonating a lethal explosive killing the suspect. This drone killing followed an incident where police officers supervising a Black Lives matter protest were fired upon by one or more persons operating from elevated sniper positions.1 At a press conference today the chief of the Dallas police department confidently reported that the victim of the drone bombing expressed a desire to kill white people while disavowing membership in the "Black Lives Matter" movement. Peace in our time.
Water Charity Maximizes Their Marketing On Paypal's Venmo
A charity group has reportedly unwittingly used a vulnerability in Paypal's Venmo service to spam users, and perform a DoS attack on it's own network. waterislife.com reportedly used the loophole to automatically send 1 cent to a person every time they used the service to purchase products online, with one example message stating "“1 cent can’t buy you pizza. But for just 3 cents, you can buy someone clean water for a day.” There is no current restriction on the number of successive requests allowed by a single user, leaving one to expect other mass advertisers will quickly follow suit. Venmo has yet to offer word as to whether imitating the mass spam transaction service ChangeTip will be considered a bug or a feature. WaterIsLife did not disclose how much the campaign cost them to run, but reportedly received $400 USD in donations on the first day.
Theranos CEO To Be Banned From Operating Lab
Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes (WOT:nonperson) will reportedly be banned by the United States government's Center for retiree and welfare heathcare services from operating a lab for two years.
Days Of Rain Set Corn Crop Up For Strong Finish
Substantial amounts of rain over the past several days covering largely unirrigated portions of the American Midwest has likely set the corn crop up for success in spite of the threat of a La Nina driven drought. This is bullish for America's collective transition to the Mayo gender. Between the ageing surpluses of grain accumulated over several years and the adipose tissue attached to its many hamplanets, the United States is well entrenched in an agricultural crisis driven by an uncontrolled surplus of food energy. Not only are "food" calories in the United States becoming too cheap to meter, millions of eager mouths are testing this premise. Sorry for your loss.
Avid Life Media Under FTC Investigation
Fallout from the Ashley Madison hack continues, with parent company Avid Life Media now the focus of a U.S. Federal Trade Commission investigation. CEO Rob "more could perhaps have been spent on security" Segal (WOT:nonperson) said the company is spending millions to improve zher security and did not reveal if the investigation was targeting zher use of fake profiles and fembots to lure desperate customers to the site. He offered only "That's a part of the ongoing process that we're going through … it's with the FTC right now." The company boasts they have "roughly $50 million" USD to be used for "fostering partnerships" with other dating sites.
CoinJoin Not A Privacy Tool After All
Joinmarket, the Bitcoin tumbler service apparently popular among darknet market aficionados today announced that their service isn't actually very anonymous after all. Project developer Chris Belcher (WOT:nonperson) stated that "there are some possible vulnerabilities which could be exploited to spy on every user." While this was identified approximately one year ago, nothing was done to remedy the issue until multiple users noticed deanonymizing attacks happening in real time. Belcher assures his users that "We have a pretty good idea how to fix this" and after discussing the matter with CoinJoin creator Gregory Maxwell (WOT:gmaxwell) they together suppose they have an algorithm that will make it more difficult for attackers to uncover information on utxo's. It was admitted that "This algorithm is not intended as a complete solution to that issue" leaving darknet market users with another steaming pile of shitware.
Counterpoint: Maybe Comey Didn't Want To "Crush His Own Throat" #ClintonPrivilege
Former President of the United Nations General Assembly John Ashe (WOT:nonperson) was officially determined to have died from a heart attack even though the local police officers who initially investigated his death noted his throat had been crushed (archived). John Ashe was set to testify against Hillary Rodham-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) and is the latest casualty of Clinton privilege. Clinton privilege is known to induce "suicide" in persons who threaten the success or continued privilege of Clintons with one of its earliest known victims being Vince Foster (WOT:nonperson). These "coincidences" likely informed the FBI stooge's (WOT:nonperson) decision to make a public announcement earlier today affirming his support for Clinton privilege. Sorry for your loss.
Novel Business Idea
Rent robots to do menial work at an hourly rate just under minimum wage. Even Brexit and Donald Trump-Clinton's wall can't save the morbidly obese yet surprisingly employed from their inevitable decision that they in fact are not worth it. Sorry for your loss.
FBI Stooge Affirms Clinton Privilege
FBI Director James Comey (WOT:nonperson) announced today that his office would be affirming Hillary Rodham Clinton's (WOT:nonperson) Clinton privilege. For the crimes of being a horrible sysadmin, running an email server which leaked US foreign policy secrets, and trying to conceal her violation of the laws concerning the handling of classified information Comey found nothing worth his pressing charges over. Never mind that David Petraeus (WOT:nonperson) , the second coming of Uncle Sam had his career destroyed over less when he faced the criminal charges. Check your1 privilege!2
Clinton ↩
No, seriously go through your ancestor's belongings to find the family tree and connect it to the Clinton family tree lest you suffer like Ross Ulbricht who had no Clinton privilege. ↩
Ether Huffers Continue Fall Into Depravity
Flaming tire fire in a shitpit Ethereum showed signs of fermentation related to the fork today, as prices1 dropped below the $10 mark. 24 hour trading stats on coinmarketcap.com showed a -13.62 % drop at the time of writing, with the DAO also plummeting -18.13 %. Even while Ethereum's Phil Daian (WOT:nonperson) watches his "innovative project" burn to the ground, Buterin (WOT:nonperson) seems to feel he can offer the Bitcoin community advice on how to fix their blocksize issues. His suggestion is to remove transaction signatures.2 The Bitcoin Foundation however has already made it quite clear that that isn't gonna happen. Sorry for your loss.
To the extent jenkem can have a price. Turn out this whole time they thought they were huffing ether it was jenkem all along! ↩
Transaction signatures are THE most important part of the whole cryptocurrency enterprise from both the crypto and currency perspectives. ↩