Category Archives: Investment

Gullible Finnish Man Gave 4 Figure Bitcoin Fortune To Thai Men, In 2017!

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The Bangkok post reports that 22 year old Finnish man Aarni Otava Saarimaa allegedly gave a fortune of 5564.4 Bitcoins to a group of Thai men offering him the opportunity to invest in an online casino and an altcoin project they dubbed "Dragon Coin" (archived). Reportedly the Thai men instead converted the fortune into 797 million bhat of which 745 million bhat made it into their bank accounts. In a very Tradehillesque move, many of those bhat were further converted to real estate.

Local police have arrested a number of Thai men for connection to the plot while others they would like to arrest have fled, including one to the United States. Local police are insisting that despite earlier local reports which alleged a number of local politicians were involved, there were no politicians involved in fingering the Finn's Fortune.

Civil Unrest Continues In Charleston: Leftist Culture Warriors Move Historical Revisionism Target To University Founder Thomas Jefferson

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Following last month's violence in Charlottesville, Virginia at the hands of antifa terrorists another leftist group is escalating its nuisance presence. A group of neo-Maoist cultural revolutionaries advocating for an agenda authored by a group calling itself "the Black Student Alliance" but which the neo-Moaists calling themselves "the Black Student Alliance" insist was not actually them, vandalized a statute of third United States President and University of Virginia founder Thomas Jefferson.

The unnamed neo-Maoists <sarcasm>who surely weren't the named nao-Maoists</sarcasm> covered the statue in a black shroud and placed signs alleging the dead polymath is "racist" and "rapist" [sic]. Today's president of the university founded by Jefferson, a different kind of cultural Marxist calling itself Teresa A. Sullivan offered a number of utterances which included:

I strongly disagree with the protestors’ decision to cover the Jefferson statue. I also recognize the rights of those present at the protest to express their emotions and opinions regarding the recent horrific events that occurred on our Grounds and in Charlottesville…

however, he was also a slave owner… The University1 has acknowledged its controversial history and we continue to learn from it through open dialogue and civil discourse.

The yet another kind of Marxist Law Center intent on perpetuating Southern Poverty has failed to name "the Black Student Alliance" as a hate group.

  1. Once again founded by the memorialized man in question on his initiative  ↩

No Such lAbs Posts Positive Cashflow On Continued FUCKGOATS Sales

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No Such lAbs reports their first month of positive cash flow in their August 2017 statement. This marks a milestone in the development of this New World business. There are no signs of any actual movement by fiat concerns to enter the business space occupied by the ascendant No Such lAbs.

CEO Elizabeth Holmes Of Theranos: Please Don't Sue, Have My Shares

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Elizabeth Holmes, CEO of the well connected bezzle failup Theranos, is approaching her investors with a new plea. Holmes is begging investors in the firm to not sue her and offering as compensation valueless shares from her own stake in the firm. A number of Silicon Valley rags allege that some investors are taking the offer, probably because it is less expensive to be gifted as share of nothing than it is to sue for a share of nothing. Sorry for your loss.

No Longer Sterling Pound Plunges 6.1 Percent Over Two Minutes

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The British pound, once but no longer sterling, fell 6.1 percent early this morning in Asian trading while the ever more lethargic and obese population of Airstrip One was sleeping. Some recovery in the exchange reported price occurred, but the fundamental value of Britain and its people continues to remain questionable.

US Sports Team Loses Bidding War To Russian Sports Team For Sportsman

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For the third consecutive year Avanguard Omsk has outbid the Saint Louis Blues for the affections of Czech ice hockey player Vladimir Sobotka. Over the past two years the Blues have tried to cast Sobotka's choice to participate in the Kontinental Hockey League club Avanguard as a "development" move allowing Sobotka more playing time to hone his skills "back home"1 when the simple fact is they've been beat at the money game.

For decades the extravagant spending of the advertising industry in the United States allowed American spectator sports teams to enjoy their pick of top players from the international market, but as the United States continues to become concretely poorer in absolute terms decisions like Vladimir Sobotka's are likely to become more common among sportsmen.

  1. Omsk is in Siberia which is not Sobotka's temperate Czech homeland. Siberia is inside Russia, and Russia is far enough from the Czech Republic that the two separate countries do not share any borders.  ↩

Dicamba Disaster Continues Destruction

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As the story of the Dicamba Disaster in the United States begins finally reaching mainstream media outlets, the St Louis Post Dispatch brings us news that Dicamba Drift has threatened Missouri's largest peach orchard (archived). Two hundred and fifty acres of the orchard's peach trees are already irreparably harmed and as the damage continues to show that number could double by next spring as the injury progresses.1

Dicamba has been around since 1942. Until this year it had largely survived in its humble role as that thing you add as a tiny fraction of a percent to your tank mix as a little kicker to beat back broadleaf weeds. What it did, what it didn't do, and why it stayed that tiny fraction were established. Why it stayed the tiny fraction is that dicamba is volatile and the dicamba that doesn't get absorbed and bound will vaporize and spread.

The ascendancy of Roundup Ready in the 1990's inspired much panic. "Genetic modifications AND a super herbicide?" Glyphosate however turned out to be a kitten with the surfactants mixed with it carrying a greater hazard to fauna than the herbicide itself, flora was still fucked though.2

Monsanto opened a pandora's box with their latest offering, because when you offer desperate farmers soybeans that won't suffer any losses with two herbicides those farmers are getting as much mileage out of those two herbicides as they can. Bad behavior becomes mandatory, because fuck that other family's peach orchard which took a generation to grow. Also no one cares about the other stands of mature trees yellowing, defoliating, and in clear decline.3

It would likely have not made things much better even if Monsanto released their "less volatile" dicamba with the seeds4 so long as other people were selling classic Dicamba preparations for less. The competition between agriculture and chemistry is leaning decidedly in chemistry's favor with crops outside of the limited Monsanto supplied corns and alt-corns becoming environmentally impracticable. US agriculture at this point appears to on track to become a fiefdom of tort law in the same way US medicine is by this time next year. This is the story of your loss and imazapyr resistant crops can't come soon enough (archived).

  1. And even in the absence of further dicamba applications nearby it will continue to progress.  ↩

  2. But only if the glyphosate solution actually made contact with foliage.  ↩

  3. This phenomena is pointedly NOT limited to the portions of the Ozarks that US based media is suggesting it to be. ↩

  4. It seems likely they anticipated the destruction and didn't want their preparation taking the blame.  ↩

Tim Draper (WOT:nonperson) Still Loves Theranos, Picked Up An Ether Habit

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Tim Draper (WOT:nonperson) the Silicon Valley figure who tried to legitimize the United States Government's theft by bidding in their auctions, apparently still loves Theranos. Theranos is notable for the quality of USG stooge it managed to con into investing further after Draper supplied CEO Elizabeth Holmes's (WOT:nonperson) firm its initial capital. Draper insists "Consumers still love" a company they likely never interacted with as it never made it to more than 40 of Walgreen's 8177 stores before Walgreens abandoned Theranos. It is uncertain whether Draper's expressions of feeling on this matter are genuine or instead reflect fear arising from the realization he lost a lot of Henry Kissenger's (WOT:nonperson) money.

In addition to continuing to love a firm which took his capital and later lost Henry Kissenger's money, Draper has taken to huffing ether. This revelation is notable for making public that Draper is at least one conveyance used by the criminal gang in Washinton, DC to refresh Buterin's waterfall. Sorry for your loss, and sorry Tim for calling your loss a loss.

Walgreens Finally Cuts Ties With Theranos

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Walgreens finally announced that they are cutting ties with the well connected and wildly inaccurate blood testing startup Theranos. On its way to a 9 Billion dollar valuation Theranos established blood testing clinics inside of their retail partner Walgreen's stores. A total of 40 Walgreens stores had Theranos blood testing available. Walgreens has a total of 8177 stores. Walgreens parent company Walgreens Boots Alliance has a market capitalization of ~92.4 billion United States dollars on ~103.4 billion dollars in annual revenue and ~4.2 billion dollars of net income. Sorry for your loss, but there will be blood testing.