Over the weekend an armed guard at a colonial location of the German Grocery giant Aldi killed a customer suspected of shoplifting at an Aldi outpost in North Saint Louis City. The suspect, killed over store branded groceries was pronounced dead at the scene. This shooting follows a Friday meeting between German chancellor Angela Merkel and US President Donald Trump where the two differed on issues of globalization and the meaning of the word bilateral. It is unknown how many US locations of the German Globalization Grocer Aldi employ armed agents to protect their bounty of off brand products.
Category Archives: Altcoins
Shinohai's Shitcoin Roundup Xtend: BTU Breakage Heat, Zcash Instamine Lulz, And More
The "Bitcoin Unlimited" development team will be releasing their token, $BTU, on April Fool's day of this year in what will surely be hailed as one of the most fitting release dates for a team ever. Unlimited node count dropped significantly this week after the discovery of a remote crash vulnerability. Core developer Greg Maxwell stated on reddit earlier this week that “There are vulnerabilities in Unlimited which have been privately reported to you in Unlimited by Bitcoin Core folks which you have not acted on, sadly. More severe than this one, in fact.” which should ensure a steady supply of lulz in the weeks to come.
Zcash's Zooko, deciding his coin doesn't have a scammy enough image, announced this week the formation of `The Zcash foundation` which will supposedly "promote a healthy and diverse zcash community" Zooko stated he will fund the foundation with half of his "founders reward" instamine, the total amounting to 273,000 coins currently worth $13 million USD at current trade prices. Matthew Green, assistant professor of computer science at Johns Hopkins University, is reputed to be one of the foundation members, which the group hopes will add an air of legitimacy to the scheme.
A new type of ransomware, dubbed "Kirk", has surfaced in various corners of the internet demanding payment via Monero instead of Bitcoin.
Never missing an opportunity to hard fork their flaming-tire-in-a-shitpit, the Ethereum development team announced that their latest fork, codenamed "Metropolis" is now back on their roadmap after being forced to postpone the "improvements" due to The DAO hack
Remington Outdoor To Lay Off 120 After Greatest Salesperson Departs
Remington Outdoor, an American firearms manufacturer announced this week they would be laying off 120 employees. These layoffs were spurred by a precipitous drop in firearms sales related to a drop in hype after their greatest salesman Hussein Bahamas walked away from the job.
Amazon Rolls Out An Index Librorum Prohibitorum
Trump's chief strategist Steve Bannon recently compared the ongoing controlled demolition of Europe by marauding orc hordes to a scenario portrayed in an obscure novel, The Camp of the Saints (1973) by Jean Raspail.
The response by Amazon, the world's foremost peddler of DRM-laden electronic chumpware "books" was swift, merciless, and mindblowingly "original" : let's ban some books! And so if you want to obtain a copy of The Camp of the Saints from Amazon, you will now have to settle for a $2,000 collectible edition, because the Kindle chumpware item has vanished, having been made "…unavailable because there are significant quality issues with the source file supplied by the publisher. The publisher has been notified and we will make the book available as soon as we receive a corrected file."
Similar "quality control" problems have immediately cropped up in another alleged Bannon favourite, Julias Evola's Revolt Against the Modern World. And it turns out that Hitler's mega-bestseller Mein Kampf has also sprouted some sudden bit rot.
"Bitcoin" (Altcoin) Unlimited Experiences Drop In Node Count Due To Remote Crash Vulnerability
The "Bitcoin Unlimited" node count experienced a very sharp ~65% drop around 7:30 PM UTC as a remote-crash vulnerability was made public on Twitter. The node count, as reported by coin.dance, fell to 259 from a previous measurement of 764 moments earlier.
The actual vulnerability is a result of the ineptitude of the "Bitcoin Unlimited" developers to incorrectly implement the usual "monkey see, monkey do" approach to software, by messing up the copy-pasting of power-rangerolade.
Peter Todd's straight Twitter disclosure was made in a context of heightened tensions among the two main flavors of idiocy, namely the SegWit peddlers and the Roger Verified "Bitcoin Unlimited" followers.
Hard Freeze Threatens Washington DC Cherry Blossoms With Eradication Tonight
Local weather forecasters are predicting night time temperatures falling to 23 degrees Fahrenheit overnight. Temperatures under 24 degrees Fahrenheit are sufficient to possibly kill this seasons blossom buds on the swamp's beloved cherry trees. Local factions are set to bicker over the meaning of this natural turn with varying factions set to view this as an ominous sign of the God Emperor Trump's looming cuts for the sake of The Great Again or as some climate change circle jerk. Frost happens, per the local department of agriculture March 29th is the local last frost date1 in the swamp.
50% probability traditionally ↩
CEO Marissa Mayer Out At Yahoo As Verizon To Rebrand The Thing To Altaba
Verizon announced that Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer, who presided over the leaks of everything, will be parting ways with Verizon and Yahoo. Further Verizon will be renaming the thing1 formerly known as Yahoo as Altaba. Mayer will recieve 23 million US dollars as severance in exchange for getting the fuck out of the way as Verizon attempts to get some value out of this rapidly spoiling acquisition. Peace in our time.
Because more specific words like firm, business, etc fail to truly describe the loose collection of 90's nostalgia an impulse purchases assembled by Mayer ↩
While Leftists Mourn Preet Legacy USG Continues Thrashing
With Trump firing Preet Bharara after the bureaucrat refused resignation, the fake news media has continued to stretch their mourning for the fake justice crusader's dead career. Preet is likely to lose his position as a focal point of mourning when Trump's budget proposal is revealed later this week.
Other USG swamp relics, this time at the Securities and Exchange commission disapproved a paper Bitcoin instrument which would have allowed certain kinds of restricted US dollars to simulate buying into Bitcoin. The agency's rationale for rejection was that the United States had failed to undermine and capture the Bitcoin market as they had gold. After a few moments of bullish volatility for the US dollar, the altcurrency fell back into it's recent stable groove of 1/1200th to 1/1300th of a Bitcoin.
Choo Choo Motherfuckers: Trump Train Begins Rolling Over Opposition
This week the tracks took the Trump train into active and serious aggression against his opponents for the first time. Here's what happened.
- One week ago US President Donald Trump alleged that his Trump Tower campaign headquarters had been surveilled under his predecessors orders. This opening move threw his opponents into a tizzy and lead the fake news media to parade former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, FBI director James Comey, and other functionaries of the Deep State to categorically reject that Trump had been surveilled or investigated for any lawful reason. Thus the fake news media refuted their past five months of drumming "Russian Collusion" over a single tweet.1
- This was followed by the serendipitous Wikileak of substantial CIA information which threatens to gut the agency's leadership and careerist ranks for cause, because accountability is a thing in the Trumpland.
- House Speaker Paul Ryan's plan to sever Obamacare was unveiled revealing priority GOP congressional targets to purge in the 2018 mid term primaries.
- The week ended with Trump requesting the resignation of numerous US attorneys appointed by Hussein Bahamas including Preet Bharara.
And further would turn any emergent evidence of Trump Tower surveillance into an ready made criminal case against the snoop. ↩
Wikileaks Hands Elected Trump US Government Weapon To Gut Careerist 'Deep State' US Government
Today Wikileaks dumped a collection of CIA material focused on the agency's activities during Hussein Bahamas second term.1 Aside from the revelation that during this period the CIA created its own, less accountable version of the NSA; the agency apparently lost exclusive control over the apparatus near the end on the Hussein Bahamas administration.
The opportune timing of this Wikileak presents Trump with the prefect pretext for draining the careerist swamp at the CIA.2 This is bullish for plumbers.
The password to decrypt the archive: SplinterItIntoAThousandPiecesAndScatterItIntoTheWinds ↩
Brave folks passing by Langley, Virginia should be on the lookout for new dykes, dams, windmills, and weirs in the area. ↩