Divided Western Church Turns On Argentine Pope Over Child Molesting Forgiver Forgiveness

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Numerous media outlets over the weekend began making a scandal out of Pope Francis's (Jesuit from Argentina) habit of extending mercy to high ranking officials of the Roman Church who themselves showed mercy to child molesters in their charge. Muted forms of this accusation have plagued Popes since the 1990's, but Francis finds himself in a vulnerable position after himself molesting the Roman Church and injecting it with more new poz than it has seen since the Vatican II debacle.

While it is too soon to predict an early end to the Argentine one-lunged wonder's papacy, this is the first time the mainstream pozz'd press has been pushed to criticize the man they once dubbed "Cool Pope" for his embrace of cultural marxism.

San Francisco To Pay Six Figure USD Compensation To Members Of Seperate Feces And Needle Clean Up Teams

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In an attempt to address rampant street shitting and litter from intravenous drug use new San Francisco Mayor London Breed has approved hiring separate cleanup crew to address the problems (archived). Six new poop patrollers and ten needle pickers will be joining an existing crew of four needle pickers in an attempt to cover the city's 121.4 square kilometers. The specialist natures of the cleaning crews raises serious questions of the cost necessary to expand cleanliness to the whole city, especially when contrasted to other Western hemisphere cities like Montevideo which utilizes scheduled crews cleaning all types of messes to sweep Montevideo's 201 square kilometers while deep cultural pressures prevent the adoption of a street shitting norm.

USG Lich McCain Surrenders In War On Cancer Will Spend Rest of Days As Compliant Cancer POW [Update 8-25-2018: And he's dead]

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The family of the soon to be late former Vietcong prisoner John McCain announced that the Arizona Senator has decided to stop seeking treatment for his brain cancer. Since announcing his brain cancer McCain has been absent from his duties in the US Senate as a captive of cancer. This is the latest in a long line of surrenders which have defined the elder lich's career as a Naval Aviator, Senator, and twice failing US Presidential candiate.

"Reality Winner" Gets 63 Month Prison Stay As Prize For Poor Leaking Hygiene

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Reality Winner, a former NSA contract worker who made the mistake of leaking to Omidyar and Greenwald's honey trap The Intercept, has been sentenced to 63 months in prison after pleaing guilty. Reality Winner was identified through "anti-counterfeiting dots" which were helpfully preserved by The Intercept when they published pdf scans of the printed secrets she delivered to them.

Reality Winner will be spending her incarceration at Federal Medical Center, Carswell in Fort Worth, Texas at her own request. The length of the sentence is anomalously long for an unauthorized disclosure case. This demonstrates once again that a guilty plea is not a bargain.

Intel Adds "Anti Benchmarking" Clause To Licenses For Microcode Updates

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Intel has begun attaching a license clause prohibiting comparative benchmarking to its CPU microcode updates (archived). Intel has spent the past year deluged with reports of critical flaws in their CPUs related to speed optimizations which fundamentally compromise the ability of their chips to be secure, especially in multi user systems. This fumbling by Intel to supress comparative benchmarks between patched and unpatched chips is only their latest attempt to paper over how much of their chips' fradulent speed advantage is lost with anything resembling effective mitigations1 for these engineered holes.

  1. Note: It should be assumed these patches are not effective mitigations.  ↩

Consumer Spy Software Left Piles Of Data In Exposed Bucket

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Spyfone, a consumer targeted surveillance application has been found leaving data in an exposed "Amazon S3 Bucket" (TM)(R) (archived). Spyfone is marketed to consumers as a turnkey solution for monitoring their loved one's online activity, but the firm's storage practices offer the collected information to a far greater audience than the snooping consumer.

Spanish Guardia Civil Shuts Down Outlaw Environmentalist Turtle Breeding Operation

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The Spanish Civil Guard shuttered a farm in Majorca, Spain which was breeding a number of endangered turtle species. More than one thousand sustainably bred and breeding turtles were captured in a move that the Gendarmie is calling a "rescue" (archived). A pet shop owner who allegedly assisted in the distribution of these sustainably farmed turtles was also arrested for their conservation efforts.

The fate of the captured turtles is unknown at this time, but it is unlikely to allow them to contribute to the perpetuation of their species as effectively as they did in this now shuttered conservation operation. Regardless of how prolifically they are bred by fiat sanctioned environmentalists, their children will be unable to contribute to relieving demand for wild caught members of their species.

Money laundering charges were also filed because these outlaw environmentalists had the audacity to use money without explicit permission from the local cabal of socialist scum that imagines such a thing can be required.

Microsoft Announces Campaign Against Threats To "Their Democracy": Plans Sound Suspiciously Like Contributing Material Support To Political Candidates

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Microsoft has announced that they are going to begin to take steps against efforts to interfere in their democracy (archived). The steps they plan to take involve boosting their friends and silencing everyone else (archived) on platforms they can influence. This is clearly an attempt by Microsoft to undermine "democracy" by conducting lobbying activities and making non-monetary campaign contributions while screaming "OMG HAXx0RZ" as a distraction while they undermine it all.