Category Archives: Weather

Prudes Attack Pence Security Detail

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A Secret Service agent assigned to Vice President Mike Pence's1 security detail has been suspended after allegations that he met a prostitute at a Maryland hotel. The manager of the unnamed hotel snitched on the pair after becoming suspicious of what two consenting adults might be doing behind closed doors on their own time. Police arrested the agent when he exited the motel and charged him with solicitation, and the matter is now being investigated by the "Office of Professional Responsibility". A spokesman for the Secret Service said "the full range of disciplinary actions" were being explored, though no word was available as to whether the agent and his female companion explored a full range of disciplinary actions on their own before the tryst was interrupted.

  1. Pence himself follows the "Billy Graham rule never spending time alone with women other than the Pencewife.  ↩

Majority Black Ferguson Missouri Re-Elects White Man As Mayor

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Ferguson, the majority black suburb of Saint Louis, Missouri has re-elected white man James Knowles III to a third term as mayor. Knowles was challenged by black woman and former Mary Kay sales professional Ella Jones who ran on a "Black Lives Matter" platform in the city where Knowles response to black civil unrest is alleged to have sparked the "Black Lives Matter" movement. Since the August 2014 shooting which was latched on to by the Fake News media who canonized the late Michael Brown as a saint, black lives have not seemed to particularly increase in significance among the local community. Two thirds of Ferguson's population is black and Knowles was re-elected by 56 percent of the ballots cast in the election.

Hussein Bahamas Advisor Susan Rice Fingered As Surveillance To Political Operatives Conduit

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Numerous sources are fingering Hussein Bahamas advisor Susan Rice as the conduit who carried so called "incidentally collected" surveillance on US President Trump and his associates to the rest of Hussein Bahamas political operatives. Jeff Bezos run fake news outlets under the "Washington Post" label are predictably running pieces alleging that not only did Susan Rice not do such a thing, but she should have because it would be "Right, Good, and Proper"(TM)(R).1

  1. The same outlets have run a piece of speculative fiction supposing an American "Reichstag Fire" which would subvert the "rule of law" pretense. Unfortunately the piece was published 5684 days after September 11, 2001.  ↩

US Infrastructure Today: Trump's EPA Saves California Agriculture And Vagrants Drop Atlanta Bridge

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Events of the past week have done much to illuminate the state of US "Infrastructure" to the extent such a thing pretends to exist.

  • Substantial protest circulated among the media when Trump's EPA head Scott Pruitt decided not to implement new rules which would prohibit the agricultural use of the organophosphate pesticide chlorpyrifos. Chorpyrifos, while neurotoxic in humans, is a crucial part of sustaining California's pretense as the "salad bowl" of the United States.The fake news media has dedicated zero time to thanks directed towards the Trump administration by produce growers and merchants.
  • In Atlanta a fire which lead to a highway bridge collapse is being attributed to vagrants. Local officials credit bulk storage of PVC pipes under the bridge as providing substantial fuel for the vagrant nuisance conflagration to grow to the point it collapsed the bridge. Three arrests have been made among the local homeless population. These same local officials expect the replacement of 700 feet of highway to take months.
  • Deputy White House Chief of Staff Katie Walsh has been reassigned from the White House to work on a campaign fundraising gig. Katie Walsh has been subject to rumours of serving as a source for the fake news media's delusionist social engineering campaigns.

US Securities Regulator Denies Another "Paper Bitcoin" Trading Instrument

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The United States Securities and Exchange Commission (WOT:unpersons) has denied a petition by a venture calling itself "SolidX" (WOT:nonpersons) to trade a paper security simulating Bitcoin on US markets. This follows the same group's denial of a similar petition by the Winkelvii (WOT:unregistered eukaryote) to list a paper simulated Bitcoin instrument. Sorry for your laws.

Arkansas Facing Shortage Of Snuff Fans To Watch Executions

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The US state of Arkansas is facing difficulties finding the required amount of citizen witnesses for a marathon execution session next month. State law requires that the prison director procure no fewer than six and no more than 12 citizen witnesses for each execution, and witnesses must not have a felony criminal record or be related to the condemned, evidently a problem in R-Kansas. Officials plan to perform 2 executions at a time over a 10-day period, which has prompting the condemneds' attorneys to file a petition with the U.S. Supreme court to reconsider their cases. "Executing eight men in ten days is far outside the bounds of what contemporary society finds acceptable," the petition read, and one attorney believes this is the reason why finding volunteer witnesses is proving to be a challenge. Arkansas has not performed any executions since November of 2005 following pseudo legal circlejerks over midazolam, which allegedly does not completely induce unconsciousness and allows condemned to suffer their condemnation.

Clark County Nevada Commits Three Quarter Billion In Taxpayer dollars To Stadium

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Tax payers in Clark County, Nevada will be spending three quarter of a billion dollars to build a stadium following a string of questionable decisions by their elected officials. The new stadium will serve as the home of the NFL's "Raiders" football team allowing the team to flee their current residence in Oakland, California. In a typical year the team will play 8 football games at the stadium.

Dying America Firm Nearly Robbed With Own Merchandise As Vultures Swarm

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Sears, already running out of things to sell came close to losing over 750,000 US dollars1 worth of jewellery when a thief attempted to rob a Washington, D.C. area store on St. Patrick's day. The allegedly Daniel E. Grant managed to find a Craftsman hammer in the store and smashed display cases after the store closed. His plans were foiled by the store's motion sensing alarms. He allegedly abandoned his loot and the hammer and attempted to flee before being apprehended and charged with two counts of commercial burglary and one count of theft after police responded. (archived)

  1. Figures were not available in an actual unit measuring value  ↩