Militia liberator Corey Lequieu entered a guilty plea in a Portland courtroom Thursday to charge of "impeding officers of the United States" for not going away when servants of the criminal gang in Washington, DC told him to. Prosecutors agreed to drop two weapons charges and not seek additional felony charges in Nevada or Oregon as part of "the deal." Rámon Pagán, Lequieu's defense attorney was quick to note that while he accepted a plea bargain his client has not cooperated with the government and had no intention to testify or assist them further in any way. It is rather surprising the "Justice" department's Roland Frieselers haven't brought him up on more charges of "impeding", an act that rather than being criminal ought to be expected of every citizen as part of his duty to his country. He is scheduled to be sentenced on August 25 in federal court by U.S. District Court Judge Anna Brown. No cases of Ferguson, Baltimore, Sanders, or Mizzou protestors charged with "impeding" have been found yet, though one Ferguson protester leader was charged with child sex trafficking yesterday.

Former United States Speaker of the House and second in the line of succession for the Presidency Dennis Hastert admitted during a sentencing hearing today that as a wrestling coach he would molest grappling students that he found in the locker room alone. In the time since Hastert left coaching high school grappling he went on to have a second career in politics reaching one of the highest elected offices in the criminal gang based in Washington DC which professes to govern the United States. One grappler upon whom Hastert lewdly imposed his sexual will in the locker room is now reportedly a successful banking executive in his fifties while another died from AIDS during the 1990's. Hastert's 15 month sentence is more than twice the six month sentence recommended by federal prosecutors and far less than Ross Ulbricht's life sentence and 183,961,921 United States dollar fine for trying to do the tech startup thing. The former locker room predator arrived in a wheel chair having become elderly and suffering a stroke in the decades after moving on from the job which allowed him to hunt strapping young men.

It is unknown how many children recent house speakers Newt Gingrich, Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, or current speaker Paul Ryan may have molested.

Today the Unites States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit took time out of its day to uphold a 4 game suspension of Tom Brady for cheating in a playoff game according to the rules of the sportsball league. Rather than issue a ruling on any of the legal injustices occuring constantly in the United States, the justices instead chose to issue a ruling on the rules of sportsball consistent with the sportsball league's internal rules.