Category Archives: Altcoins

Remains Of Hewlett Packard Go All In On Remains Of Syfy Franchise

Posted on by

In a press release today Hewlett Packard Enterprise, a venture cast off from printer ink scam and former technology powerhouse Hewlett Packard1 in 2015, announced it had bought the plotline to "Star Trek Beyond" from producers of the film as a marketing vehicle for an upcoming product launch. Created by Gene Roddenberry (WOT:nonperson) the Star Trek Syfy franchise helped to kickstart Hollywood's shift to an annuitized business model2 which allows for a predictable return on investment by telling audiences "STFU, these stories are connected." The product driving the plot of the film is yet another Unix machine produced by Hewlett Packard Enterprise (TM)(R) running with an odd build of Linux3 instead of HP-UX and a novel form of memory together united in the way the marketing department imagines it will work after 250 years of bug fixes.

  1. The piece of the historical Hewlett Packard's corpse which most closely carries out the original's work was severed in 1999 and now goes by the name Agilient Technologies.  ↩

  2. At present the outwardly healthiest of these motion picture annuities is operated by Disney utilizing their acquired comic book properties.  ↩

  3. Correction: Hewlett Packard Enterprise (TM)(R) scrapped their oddball Linux portion of this product in favor of running a less peculiar flavor of Linux  ↩

High Profile Likely Hilary Voter Arrested For DUI In California

Posted on by

Roger Clinton (WOT:nonperson); the brother of America's first black president Bill Clinton (WOT:nonperson), Brother in Law of Hilary Rodham-Clinton (WOT:nonperson), and related through shared New York values to Donald Trump-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) was arrested for driving under the influence. Roger refused blood alcohol testing leaving what he was under the influence of a mystery.  In the past Roger was arrested for crimes involving cocaine. Bill pardoned Roger under the Clinton "family and friends" package. Perhaps Ross Ulbricht (WOT:nonperson) ought to do some searching on his family tree. Sorry for your loss.

Zuck's Social Media Accounts Fucked

Posted on by

PCWorld has reported that Mark Zuckerberg's (WOT:nonperson) Twitter and Pintrest accounts were hacked this weekend, which the hackers claim was the result of the LinkedIn data breach that occurred a few weeks ago. Although Zuckerberg apparently did not use either account, a hacking group known as OurMine Team was able to post messages to both accounts, asking the Facebook CEO to direct message them. Twitter quickly suspended the account, and apparently access to both sites were brought back under Zuckerberg's control – hopefully with improved passwords.

Death Rate Rises In United States, Officials Puzzled

Posted on by

News outlets are reporting the death rate in the United States is rising and that officials representing the criminal gang in Washinton, DC are publicly stating that they are puzzled by this development. You on the other hand don't have to be puzzled. The transmayo gender identity leads only to early death and diabetic limb amputations. Peace in our time.

Bespoke Windows Exploit On The Market

Posted on by

Researchers with Trustwave’s Spiderlabs team announced the discovery of a new Windows zero-day exploit being offered for sale on the Russian forum exploit.in. A member known as BuggiCorp is offering the exploit, a local privilege escalation vulnerability, for sale to a single buyer with a price tag of $90,000 USD. The Trustwave team believes the exploit is "absolutely genuine" and said the user published proof-of-concept videos showing the exploit in action. The vulnerability further bypassed Microsoft Enhanced Mitigation Experience Toolkit (EMET) protections. No comments from Microsoft were available at the time of this article.

Social Media Warrior Follows LinkedIn Hack With MySpace Hack

Posted on by

The hacker known as Peace, who Qntra reported was responsible for the leak of LinkedIn data, has announced he is now in possession of passwords and emails for more than 360 million MySpace users and will be selling access for the price of 6 Bitcoin. Although unclear when the data was originally obtained, it is believed to be from an old unreported breach from June 2013. MySpace, once the dominant social media site a decade ago has shifted it's focus to becoming a music network and was purchased by Time, Inc. in February of this year. MySpace attempted to sooth fears on it's blog stating "No user financial information was therefore involved in this incident; the only information exposed was users’ email address and Myspace username and password." although research shows password reuse across sites generally leads to further incidents. MySpace claims they have almost one billion registered users and 50 million unique visitors per month.

Former Governors Johnson And Weld Compose US Libertarian Party Ticket

Posted on by

At the United States Libertarian party convention in Orlando, Florida former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson (WOT:unknown/undisclosed) and former Massachusetts governor William Weld (WOT:unknown/undisclosed) secured the party's presidential and vice presidential nominations. Johnson and Weld both served as two term governors in their respective states easily winning during their re-election campaigns. This gives them both greater executive experience in government than Major Socialist party likely nominee Hilary Rodham-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) or Minor Socialist party presumptive nominee Donald Trump-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) possesses. In national polls against Hilary Rodham-Clinton and Donald Trump-Clinton Johnson manages to consistently draw ten percent of likely voters to his ticket.

As promising as this development is it only reduces the near certainty that the next United States president will be a Clinton by the smallest of margins. Notable candidates present at the Libertarian Party convention who Johnson defeated include Vermin Supreme (WOT:unknown/undisclosed), John McAfee (WOT:nonperson), Austin Petersen (WOT:unknown/undisclosed), and Darryl Perry (WOT:unknown/undisclosed).

Forced Outrage Over Ohio Gorilla Shooting

Posted on by

USistani news outlets have been constipated this weekend trying to pass a steaming pile of forced outrage upon the American populace. At the center of this effort is the shooting of a 400 pound male gorilla that was roughly dragging a toddler through the moat of its enclosure. In order to protect the life of the toddler and to protect themselves from torts of all kinds, zoo keepers in this incident immediately used lethal force against the silverback Harambe (WOT:nonperson). Now all manner of media in the United States is reporting the story alongside substantial supposing that the situation might have been handled in some way that lead to an outcome other than Harambe's death.

Harambe's legacy of failing to drown a human child is vastly eclipsed by the accomplishments of cetacean freedom fighter Tilikum who managed to bludgeon to death and drown 3 grown adults homo sapiens trained to oppress him during his ongoing captivity at various "amusement" parks. Tilikum rather than being shot for committing homicide instead was rewarded with the opportunity to sire 21 children through his captivity with the enthusiastic assistance of his captors. Apparently in the warped value system unloaded onto the American people whale lives matter more than those of apes and mens. Sorry for your loss. Peace in Our Time.

Cooling Pacific Has Potential To Further Injure Corn Belt's Fortunes This Season

Posted on by

As El Nino breaks in the Pacific it is set to be followed by a cooling of waters in the Pacific in a meteorological phenomenon known as La Nina. For the American Corn Belt this shift bring the potential for still further pain in a season which already has farmers scrambling in loss control mode. Depending on the degree of cooling in the Pacific the La Nina phenomenon may have a range of effects on the temperature and wind speed1  in the Middle West, but summertime La Nina events reduce reduce rainfall in a region where irrigated fields are the exception rather than the rule. A drought event in 2012 absolutely decimated crop yields due to the region's dependence on rainfall to water crops.

While a season of failed crops could otherwise get farmers to finally deliver their glut of stored grains waiting for more favorable prices to market, the more likely scenario is a continued increase in imports of staple and fodder crops. Thanks to "progress" the problem of endemic2 obesity is likely to continue to grow.

  1. Yes, La Nina has ways of making Iowa in particular suffer exceptionally.  ↩

  2. The reality that this problem is here to stay precludes referring to it as an epidemic. Epidemics pass.  ↩