Author Archives: shinohai

Still No Consensus Supporting Bitcoin Hardfork – Barry Silbert Pretends Otherwise To His Peril

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Barry Silbert's (WOT:nonperson) "Digital Currency Group" announced in a medium post that yet another delusion of consensus arrived in the Bitcoin scaling debate with "A conference sponsored by the Ethereum,1 Dash,2 and Ripple3 scams produces an agreement on how to scale Bitcoin". The post outlined the reasons the conference attendees believe they get to make decisions in Bitcoin, with claims of support for the proposals by:

  • 56 "companies" located in 21 countries4
  • 83.28% of hashing power5
  • 5.1 billion US dollars of monthly on chain transaction volume6
  • 20.5 million Bitcoin wallets 7

A selection of scam artists doing business as "companies" while lacking the charm necessary to fleece the elderly allege they will "provide technical and engineering support to test and support the upgrade software, as well as to assist companies with preparing for the upgrades". Noted names incapable of providing meaningful testing or support such as: the MLM BitClub Network, Ryan X. Charles' paywalled spam reader, and Gavin Assassinsen were offered as options for the forkcurious to seek support from.

  1. Not Bitcoin.  ↩

  2. Not Bitcoin.  ↩

  3. Not Bitcoin.  ↩

  4. For a very loose definition of company.  ↩

  5. Unverified and unimportant  ↩

  6. Volume denoted in wrong units ↩

  7. Entirely meaningless construction  ↩

Ryan X Charles Goes To Clearance Bin For Latest Spam As Service Offering

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Ryan X Charles (WOT:nonperson), finally cognizant that Bitcoin isn't for him has announced he will spam the Litecoin "blockchain" instead, and insists he is really going live this time around the end of the month. Because his target audience has no money, his rationale is that Litecoin is a better choice for the project as it will only cost "a few cents" per transaction providing a lower barrier of entry for his "wide audience" whom he expects to pay to read the same drivel one can find on other outlets for free. He also offered "we like Ethereum too" though that flaming-tire-in-a-shipit was not compatible with his current infrastructure, as testing vaporware on vaporware is hard. X Charles seems confident that pushing another spam as a service offering is needed in the "cryptocurrency space" with his so-called research and development providing more buzzwords.

"Cryptonote" Family Of Altcorns Suffer Infinite Printing Bug

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Developers associated with Monero have disclosed a critical bug in the "cryptonote" family of altcorn that "allows for the creation of an unlimited number of coins in a way that is undetectable to an observer unless they know about the fatal flaw and can search for it." The bug was apparently discovered as early as February and secretly patched by the Monero team, having only been revealed now as developers were waiting for the network to update before notifying other affected coins. Monero developers further assured users that the network had never been exploited using the technique, with only Monero, Aeon, Boolberry, and Forknote having applied the patch at this time. The disclosure overview concluded by cautioning anyone from using, trading, exchanging, or running services involving … Bytecoin, DashCoin, or DigitalNote. SFYL and accompanying lulz are expected as a result of these events. (archived)

Starbucks Fiat Point Of Sale System Goes Down

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A "technology update" for point-of-sale systems at registers has left a number of Starbucks stores in the United States and Canada unable to process electronic payments today, leaving the affected stores no choice but to accept filthy physical fiat. Customers naturally flocked to social media to vent their outrage, leading some stores to give away free coffee to placate the caffeine deprived mob. A company spokeswoman said "We are working swiftly to resume full operations in each of these stores".

New Plastic (Definitely Not Sterling) UK Pound Notes Cut Noses

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Fiat turned potentially deadly this week as it was reported that some cocaine aficionados in the United Kingdom were left with nasal cuts after using the new polymer 5 pound notes to sniff the drug. Cheekily referred to as "being Winstoned" (Due to Winston Churchill's mug adorning the notes), the practice could increase the spread of infections or blood-borne pathogens if the note is used by multiple users.

Zooko Proposes Undermining Already Questionable Privacy Measure While Remaining Complete

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Zcash creator Zooko stated on twitter that he believes he can "successfully make Zcash too traceable for criminals … while still being completely private and fungible". Zooko seems blissfully aware of what constitutes an oxymoron instead opting to be a moron on social media by taking cues from everyone's favorite crypto scammer and snake-oil salesman Gavin Andresen.

Doge Doldrums Drum On

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This weeks revelation that Dogecoin Tipbot creator Mohland stole all user funds from the service has resulted in shibes becoming a laughingstock across the wider internet, even on sites that formerly hailed the scam as "fun". Dogecoin creator Jackson Palmer returned from the dead and made a reddit post where he outlines steps for the future to the ever-shrinking userbase, all the while never mentioning the outright theft that occurred. Dogecoin price has plummeted to 1/10th of a cent and ranks at #15 on coinmarketcap.com, having fallen from its once prominent position on the site as a top 5 altcorn.

Dogecointipbot Creator Admits Constant Embezzlement While Shutting Down Service: Sorry For Your Loss

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Reddit user /u/mohland, creator of Dogecointipbot, announced on the r/dogecoin subreddit Monday that he had been scamming users since at least 2015 by diverting funds deposited into into /u/dogetipbot into his own ventures and would be shutting the service down. He was quick to reassure that at least their Sorry For Your Loss wasn't due to a hack and that he was going to publish the dogecointip bot code, sure to inspire the next generation of reddit scammers, and which is ultra-secure because it "never had an external hot wallet breach in the 3.5 years we've been running". Hacks that occurred on individual reddit accounts drained the tipbot hot wallet forcing /u/mohland to admit he could no longer keep the flaming tire burning in this particular shitpit any longer. Users of the service were reporting losses in the tens of dollars.

Mohland has been forced to declare Chapter 7 bankruptcy, finally fulfilling the prophecy in Trilema where it was stated that anyone "investing" in the scheme would be dancing in the streets for nickels. The announcement closed by stating that he does not "personally hold no cryptocurrencies nor do I have any desire to in the future". Reddit users have grabbed pitchforks and threatened litigation, though in typical fashion most users will likely forget about it all by next week when the next ponzicoin grabs their attention. Sorry for your loss.

21.co Opens "Spam As A Service" Service

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As previously mentioned in a Shitcoin Roundup Xtend(TM)(R), 21co has positioned itself to become the latest spam as a service by announcing the release of it's "Bitcoin Email" to the general public. 21co assures the public that "Famous people" that no one has ever heard of and aren't in the Web of Trust are currently using the product, which allows users to send such gems as surveys, tasks, and other items which normally hit your Spam folder to be sent to "curated lists of individuals and professionals". Participants are rewarded with Bitcoin shavings, or "micropayments" which is redditard jargon for individuals that don't have much actual Bitcoin. The shift in focus comes after the company failed to convince enough gullible people to shell out $400+ on their "mining hardware" that could never hope to offer a return on investment, instead now hoping to "disrupt social media networks through micropayments" which will likely be true as users will be required to click delete on 21co's proffering before resuming their visual journey through myriad cat pictures. (archived)

Post Production To Ransom To Torrent Pipeline Growing

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A hacker known as `darkoverlord` released the entire upcoming season of the Netflix series “Orange Is the New Black” on Saturday after he said the network failed to meet his ransom demands, and threatens to release content pilfered from other studios that refuse his requests. Larson Studios, a post-production company for major television and movie studios in Los Angeles, is the apparent source of the breach and the hacker claims to be in possession of yet unreleased content from ABC, Fox, National Geographic and IFC. Reports indicate that the FBI had knowledge of the hacks as early as January, but in typical fashion did not notify the affected parties of their Sorry For Your Loss until about a month ago.

The attacker appears to be a very busy entity, having been named as the responsible party for a breach of the Indiana charity the Little Red Door Cancer Services. thedarkoverlord deleted all of the organizations main and backup servers and demanded a 50 BTC ransom to restore their data, which they were unable to pay. The moniker has also popped up on darknet website "TheRealDeal" where they attempted to sell healthcare and insurance information obtained in at least 3 other breaches for various prices denominated in Bitcoin.

The other affected television networks have declined comment regarding taunts made by the attacker on twitter. Netflix only responded so far as to say they were aware of the events and were placing their full trust in "Law Enforcement Authorities" to fix the situation.