April | 2019 | Qntra

Bezos Deals: 35 Billion USD In Amazon Stock To Wife For Splitting

Posted on April 4, 2019 by Aaron 'BingoBoingo' Rogier

Jeff Bezos and his beleaguered ex-wife MacKenzie have reached a divorce agreement which will make Jeff's ex the "World's 4th Richest Woman" holding a 4% stake in Amazon valued at ~35 billion USD (archived). MacKenzie declined to take stakes in Jeff's rocket startup Blue Origin or Jeff's troubled Washington Post gossip network. MacKenzie is ceding her stock's voting rights to Jeff for 25 years. The dissolution of the Bezos household comes after Bezos indiscretely dipped into a nearly 50 year old matron behind MacKenzie's back.

Bezos has taken to blaming the House of Saud for hacking his phone and leaking his sexts in recent days (archived).

46 Pantsuitist Candidates Already Lined Up For Presidential Primary Showdown

Posted on April 4, 2019 by Aaron 'BingoBoingo' Rogier

The field of candidates to take the Pantsuitist position challenging Trump in the 2020 election has swollen to 46, a figure that only includes declared candidates. Undeclared candidate, frontrunner, and former assistant to Hussein Bahamas, Joe Biden is facing an early obstacle as Pantsuitists debate how far to take their "believe women" mantra when it concerns their own ranks. The aged Biden has a long history of making affectionate contact with women and children at campaign events, a habit which began long before his party's recent Puritan turn against any contact between homo sapiens that isn't explicitly homosexual.

These assaults have recently been used by Pantsuitists to deperson many of their own strongest supporters in order to create openings for younger, dumber replacements. Thanks to the rapid changes in their behavioral rules enabled by taking social media mobs seriously, anyone who subscribes to pantsuit insanity finds themself incapable of defending themself from future charges as popular mores become ever more Puritan. Especially if the only thing moderating the lynch mobs surrounding Biden is that he was Hussein Bahamas's Vice President less than three years ago.

Given the immense size of the field and popular consensus that the incumbent Trump is deeply unpopular, this is set to be an incredibly bloody primary contest.

English Judge: "I Cannot Think Of Any More Obviously Fundamental Human Right Than The Right Of A Man To Have Sex With His Wife"

Posted on April 3, 2019 by Aaron 'BingoBoingo' Rogier

In a British case where social service officials decided that one man's ambiguously cognitively impaired wife might not be able to consent following an unspecified decline in her condition and thusly the two shouldn't be able to ever fuck again according to social work law, presiding Judge Justice Hayden declined the social worker's request to issue a preliminary court order barring marital sex (archived). In a decision outraging the social work lobby the Honorable Justice Hayden instead is insisting on hearing evidence and legal arguments before any orders are imposed by the court.

In a three way showdown Hayden will be hearing arguments from lawyers representing the husband, the wife, and the local council's meddling social workers.

Long teased, the US finally suspended F-35 related deliveries to Turkey after realizing that Turkey was serious when Turkey decided Russian missiles were a better value proposition than US warplanes (archived). Other NATO allies including Italy have been looking for ways out of the F-35 money pit as well.